when you eat breakfast in Italy/you don’t feel beautiful anyway but honestly I can’t bear to care. If I could go show the pork (saying in Sweden “show the fat”) in Venezia (Venice) and go to the grocery store with a towel turban on my head after a shower, I don’t reallt care anymore what people think and feel.
How did I end up in that stage with my mental health again? Why did I end up here?
Everything came crashing down when the reality caught up with what I had managed to push away through all these years. Stress, exhaustion and constant fatigue. The memory that constantly fails me. Relationships among my near and dear ones are full of cracks.
Brain ghosts that constantly say negative things to me. Overthinking, fears of everything and everyone. Constantly seeking reassurance that people are not angry, irritated, disappointed etc in me and things like that.
Worry that I am taking my place on earth for someone else who deserves it more.
What happened? How do I get out of it? A lot has happened inside me in such a short time and although no one knows how much I struggle and fight with the demons in my head, all the tears I shed, all the thoughts about everything that constantly goes around in my head ~ How I really feel.
All feelings and thoughts are pushed aside when I am with my son and we play or cuddle. I enjoy the silence in my head incredibly much during that time but then it comes again when my son sleeps for the night. Some times worse than other times.
Italy was a much-needed escape from reality for a while. Despite the many steps I took a day, the strong rays of the sun and the heat, there were still thoughts about life in the back of my mind.
Many times I wondered “what should I do?” “How should I do it?” “Do I dare?” while walking around and taking pictures like a typical tourist. I never visited San Marco and all the typical tourist places, but I withdrew, I walked in dark alleys, tried to find the charm in them while wondering all the questions that I have no answers to.
Every day I argue with my brain at least a dozens of times. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
I have also noticed that I have distanced myself from people, preferring not to do anything. Just sit (preferably lie down). Scrolling on my phone, playing games on my phone or just wanting to sleep.
The passion for photography has disappeared again. Even though I struggle to keep the spark alive. What’s happening?
There was a little stronger spark when I was in Italy but because of the heat the cameras overheated so quickly that they just turned off, so they couldn’t be used during the trip. I managed to take a couple of occasional photos but haven’t checked them yet. So all the photos from Italy were taken with my mobile phone.. Which is a shame because of the quality so it also makes you blame yourself.
And then you come back to life and everything became so flat. so gray. bright flashes here and there come and go. the dark cloud that weighs me down has mixed weight. Sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter. The cloud has become lighter than it was when reality caught up with the explosion of all emotions, thoughts, etc.
Trying to explain to people How you really feel other than saying “I don’t feel well” is not easy. Explaining why you’re not feeling well, how, when it happened, etc. is not easy. At the same time trying to fix the pieces of the puzzle that have come loose from my puzzle inside me makes it harder. People say “one step at a time”. for me it is, one puzzle piece at a time.
I have been working with my mental health for a long time and I have come a long way in the process but still have a lot to do. I am not as “dead” as I was inside as i was before but I still am.
Chasing moments where you can laugh and feel good is constantly on my radar. I really want… I really want to get out of this. I really want to be the happy, bubbly, joking Emma who doesn’t let negativity take over my life again.
Sure, I laugh, I have moments when I am genuinely happy. Few but they are still there. I wish they could stay permanent but I know that is just a dream.
I am also starting school again soon (in two weeks) and I don’t feel the least bit excited even though it is a step closer to the education I want to do. Fear and anxiety are also coming into this. Just like when I did the nursing education. This time I will not study up on my grades but I will go on a completely different path in my professional life. Nurse assistant & Social pedagogue will be added by a childminder (is that the word? Child caregiver or something like that) with a specialization in children with disabilities and then on to a preschool teacher.
I am honestly, so grateful that I have the blog to write my thoughts and everything really. Sharing with me moments of joy and dark moments. Sharing with myself.
this is why i don’t do makeup anymore, posting constantly on instagram (or social media in general).. because i have no motivation, inspiration or even feel the urge to be online other than when i write in the blog from time to time.
It was a long post i know! I apologize for that but i feel like i need to give you all an explanation as to why i’m away so much and not that active on instagram/ facebook/ snap etc.