Category: Emma

Well, this is scary.

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆4 Comments

Eye vision changed due to the antidepressant medicine. I told my doctor and nurse I had to immediately stop.

The worst part is, due to me noticing that my eyesight had changed all of a sudden, I made an appointment with an eye doctor and bought a brand-new pair of glasses. They cost me €300, and when I picked them up… I couldn’t see in them.

I bought those kinds of glasses so I can use them for near- and long-sightedness, or whatever it’s called. I could only sort of see at short sight… not long. So the staff who were handling the glasses told me to wear them daily for two weeks. If I still couldn’t see, I would come back.

They are big, and honestly, they are so ugly I had to get them. Yes, they are really shaped like this. Not round like a circle, and that’s one reason why I had to have them.

The shape and the size. I hate seeing the frame when I wear glasses. Sure, I still see the frame, but it’s not that much, so it doesn’t bother me, honestly.

I hope my eyes change so I can see correctly in them. I pray to God. Or else I have to pay even more money to get the glasses changed in the frame, and I have no desire to do that.

It’s scary how much my eyes have changed in numbers of my vision. I had 1.25 in my left eye, and now I only have 0.75. That’s crazy! On shorter time than a month! It’s scary, and I’m terrified!

Back to the doctor and nurse … I went to an emergency appointment with the doctor last Thursday (12th), and I requested to have the nurse with me due to me not understanding the doctor so well due to language barriers.

They told me to immediately stop with the medicine, and luckily I hadn’t taken any that day. They gave me a new medicine that I’m trying out now, so let’s see how this one works.

I honestly feel a little bit better in my mental health but way far from being 100% or atleast close to it. I am more happy now (ish) and I have started with something I can not write about here.. not yet. so its a secret. But I will tell you guys with time so stay tuned 🤫🤭 

Much love my beautiful souls and thank you for coming back here, commenting and sharing love ❤️

Ai helped to get what I never could imagine

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

On my last post I wrote how much I hate AI but also like AI when it comes and does good things. I also wrote that I would try to get a picture with my dad and me, and AI made that happen, so I decided to take it one step further. Make a family picture of me with Mom and Dad. They turned out so good except my mom doesn’t quite look like her 100%, but it doesn’t matter to me. Yes, I will try to fix a “real” picture of us later on.

My dad passed away 10 years ago on March 12. Oh god, that’s crazy how insanely time flies. Even though I didn’t have the best father/daughter relationship with him, I still miss him.

The downside with this picture is that AI gave him my jeans vest and not his rockabilly jacket or whatever you call it—my dad was a member in an old American driving club.

I’m teaching my son about that culture due to me having grown up in that culture—old American cars such as Cadillacs, Impalas, etc. I’m very strict that my son has to learn about that culture at the same time as he is learning the culture of his father.

This is a “family” picture of us. A picture I always dreamed of having but never got. This part is always why I’m thankful for AI. The picture of my mom, my dad, and this picture.

Also having a picture where both of them are holding me and hugging me makes me tear up. Such a beautiful picture of us—yes, I even compliment myself on it even though it doesn’t 100% look like me.

I’m also looking only on to make a phone case with this picture but in those army/not breaking in fall case due to me being so clumsy.

I will forever be thankful for these pictures.

I hate it but on same time I like it

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆2 Comments

AI.. A curse but also a blessing. When people use AI to fake people, celebs and all that stuff, its scary. That makes me hating it a lot. But then there is moments when AI is good.

For me an example.. The other day I wanted to try to make an AI picture after Michaela (my friend) made pictures of me hugging my crush from Tokio Hotel. I wanted one with my mother. I asked Michaela if she could do one and she gladly did it! I LOVE THE PICTURE except it didn’t look like mom. I still have it saved and look at it a lot.

So that made me think, can I do one?  So I tried. After what felt like hours I managed to get the AI to make a picture that looks exactly like my mother. I cried. The happiness. The heartbreak. All feelings came at once.

My mom passed away 2019 and I never got a picture together with her because I hate my body, my size etc. But I really wanted one with her. So I tried super hard. Got frustrated. Got Irritated and mad that I didn’t know how to explain for AI how to make one with my mom but few sites later and boom, I got one.

Even though the picture doesn’t look like me, I love it.

That’s the only blessing part with AI, in my eyes. To make memories, make things like mouring easier. To be able to have a picture of yourself hugging someone you love. Someone you miss and everything. That is the only part with AI I like.

I will also try make one with my dad.

But when scammers,  creeps and disgusting etc people use AI to do disturbing pictures or videos..  That’s the part I HATE with AI.

What are your thoughts of AI?

Healing is active courage—showing up for yourself even when no one is clapping.

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to who you were before the world taught you to abandon yourself.

I am healing at a pace my nervous system can trust. I refuse to rush what took years to survive.

Working on myself both mentally and spiritually is the best decision I have taken. Healing myself from childhood traumas and sorrow, and for hurting myself for years, takes time. 

I’m still alive! I have been physically exhausted and missed school this week’s Tuesday, but I’m now on my way to a city for a dentist appointment for E. A child dentist (pedodontist) who specializes in special needs kids. 

I prefer sleeping, but the adult must adulting today. Lol!

Wow  I actually smashed it! I’m shocked!

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

First week of school for this semester and I have already smashed it! On a positive way.

Yes I cussed on the picture, therefor the blurred words. Sorry, but I am so happy!

I have been to school every day this week, and I am honestly proud of myself! Even today, with no sleep (when writing this post, I have been up for 30+ h. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to sleep.) but I smashed it.

This week we have had crafts on one class ~ make something (we had to think preschoolers) that they could tell us their feelings. Well, the class used papertowels rolls, some papers etc.. Me? I made an elephant in “3d”. First time I ever done one and honestly, I don’t like it. It’s not done yet though. It miss facial expressions etc.

I’m removing the black strings when they have helped me give shapes. And yes… It’s embarrassing, but hey, at least I did something else, and my teacher likes it. A lot. Ph, the clay thing next to it… I have also made that, but before holiday break. I didn’t have my tools, so it looks awful. Fun fact: I used to build and make a lot of things in clay and paint them. Roses, animals, statues, etc. I was so detailed on things, but sadly I lost interest in doing it, but I do kinda miss it.

Back to school week

Today I had an exam, and I smashed it. I got an A. 15 out of 17. One box was missed, so if I had answered that one (and not missed it), I would have had 16 out of 17 points instead. But it’s ok. I’m pretty ok with today’s result.

I have also sent assignments/essays to my teacher, so I’m actually a bit ahead of the class. Let’s hope that continues.

Slayed two makeup looks this week!

I am actually shocked! I have had two makeup looks in school this week, and I am so happy and proud of myself that I had that energy to do it. Making myself feel a little bit more alive when out in public. Lol! I will show pictures later, in an other post though 

No sleep, yeah… I’m a walking zombie at the moment.

I couldn’t sleep. I had my usual things (sleeping pills, and no, I’m not ashamed of admitting that). After all, I’m keeping the blog raw and authentic, but they didn’t work. Why? I don’t know. So while I was awake, I studied, watched YouTube, did makeup, packed a bag, etc. Note that I was home alone, so I didn’t wake anyone up. 

I pray to God I will be able to sleep tonight. I am so tired, but my brain is in full speed. Eyes are heavy, body aching. Feels like my body is about to collapse so let’s pray and hope that I will fall asleep tonight.

This weekend will test me if I don’t get any sleep. Studies, laundry, cleaning, cooking, household stuff, son being home (pray that he will be in good mood this weekend) and save the last makeup I have.

The makeup > E has currently ruined / destroyed a massive eyeshadow palette with neon colors that I finally started to use again. It makes me sad but, I’m not mad at him. Sure im said about my palette but im not mad. He is into makeup and that makes me happy, but I do wish he could stop use mine and use his own that I have for him. Yes. I have given my son eyeshadow palette of his own. One from my collection that I haven’t used. Daddy doesn’t approve but hey, im not judging and iam supporting my son to try new things so let’s go!

I’m actually going to wrap this post up for now, but I will be back soon. Much love, my beautiful souls 🤍

Return.. to the… oh no

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

Preparing mentally for the return to school.

I know I have been quiet but honestly, my mental is getting prepared (plus recharged) to go back to school with over 3k kids. 😬

Hello, my beautiful souls! 🩷 I hope you all are doing well! I haven’t blogged since January 5th, I know, but I have been trying to get as much rest as I could before school starts tomorrow. I was so stressed and had so much panic, etc., about me sending the assignments in before the deadline, so I crashed after. Mentally, my entire body and brain got drained of so much energy.

— ADHD —

I have fallen asleep daily during the daytime, and I have also, in between this, started with new medication. I’m trying ADHD medicine again (I have not had medicines for ADHD since I was 20). I tried once, but wow… bad), and that one makes me tired as well.

— Makeup —

Pink & Blue. Yes, I walked outside with these looks. On the blue look I have added blue eyeshadow on the eyebrows as well (after taken the pics). 

I have had some energy twice so far that I have actually done makeup. If you know me, I’m obsessed with makeup and love to do makeup looks, but you know… THAT happened, but I’m slowly getting back to it. I mean, I have done it twice already! The last time before these two I did makeup was in September, and before that, March. So going from having makeup daily to having it once in a while is a big change.

One of my goals for 2026 (I posted it earlier, but this is just a reminder to myself) is to try to get back to doing makeup and to try to have energy to do the things I love, such as makeup, photography, blogging, and going for walks. I miss being out in nature. Of course, with my camera in one hand and a stick to remove branches, etc., with the other hand.

— WRONG BROWN! —

Since I go back to school tomorrow (read, +3k students), I wanted to dye my hair. New semester, new hair. Honestly, I wanted to dye it red, but to let my hair rest, I did brown. It doesn’t make me dye my hair often if I have brown compared to when I have red. 😬 When I have red hair, I dye it 3-5 times a week—yes, you read that right!!! So imagine how ruined my hair is. Everything to just keep my bright neon red hair going.

I tried to make the light “normal,” but I took these in the bathroom, and it has yellow lights, so I apologize for that. // ADHD & HAIR DYE—total disaster / No, I didn’t put a stamp on these.

I thought I bought just a regular brown hair dye and after looking in the mirror, it was super super dark! Yes I took selfie with the cardboard box but I didn’t look at the number 😬 I had taken dark brown and it looks almost black on me. Oh my.

So we’ll see how it looks tomorrow when I get ready for school. I always let my hair air dry, so I don’t know how the color really is until tomorrow 😅 it dries super slow. 

— Wish me luck —

I’m both excited and mostly anxious about going back to school. I don’t know if I passed the classes last semester or not. Honestly, I don’t feel motivated to go back, but I refuse to quit now.

I hope you all have a wonderful week 🩷🩷🩷

Chaotic start of 2026

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment
The focus, the stress and the chaos has been real! So glad it’s over for a little bit now.

Hello, my beautiful people! I apologize for not blogging this year (yet), but I have been stressed like a maniac!

Remember when I told you guys that my mental health isn’t so good and that it has been declining?  Still low at the moment, but between Christmas and this last Saturday (January 3rd) I have been maniacally stressing through assignments, sending them in, correcting them, chatting with teachers about grades, school, etc.  Last night I made, hopefully, the last piece for this semester. 

Grades will be decided on January 8, and my next semester starts on January 12th, so I am back to school soon! Crazy!

Let’s appriciate the fact that I have gotten some energy back so I could do some makeup again 🙌🏻

I know that one course with the awful teacher who name-called me and disrespected me a lot this semester is done 🙌🏻 I passed it! Thank God.

Long story short, I passed Kost & Hälsa (Food & Health). I don’t know about the rest, but I had 50 assignments to send in before January 1st. Due to my mental health, I couldn’t make them earlier, but in one week, I made them all. The focus, the discipline, and the live chats I was on (TikTok), talking with friends, made me continue. I finished them! Woho!

So for this semester, I made a promise to myself to never let this happen again! So pray for me and my mental health. 

Two more semesters and I a m d o n e finally! I have also made a decision to take a break from school (I have been studying nonstop for ten years) to focus on myself and to work.

So yeah, that has been my reality for the past… weeks? But here I am.

Panic, but I think I made it, but it made my head go loco.

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment
the hustle. the stress. the panic. the warnings. It made my head go loco.

But guess who managed to fix it? I DID!!!! I got a warning from my teacher that I was about to fail some classes, and this is the last week I have to do the last of the assignments. I have been sitting for several days for HOURS and just worked my butt off and sent them in. I now “only” have five left plus a presentation on Monday, and after that I am done for this first semester! 

So I am extremely happy and actually surprised, plus in shock of myself. One week and I have sent in… I don’t know how many assignments. Is that my ADHD working? Better under pressure? I have no idea, but I can honestly say—next semester and the last one, I do NOT want to do this again!

So because of this, my head is now all loco! Hopefully I can take a small break this weekend and get some rest for my head but if I know myself.. I won’t. 

This year my mental health has really declined so much, but I’m hopeful that next year will be a better year. I started with a new medicine a week ago for my ADHD (I requested it myself), and it has actually helped me get a bit more focus. Sure, I’m still tired, so I also got new sleeping pills that knock me completely out. So I haven’t taken them every day—two pills since last week. I will only take it when E is not home and I have nothing important the day after. Mama needs her sleep! That’s why I’m hopeful! Hopefully it will help me get better.

I have even started to do some makeup which has been superloooong time ago. Last Monday (15th) I had red eyelook and visited my last internship location before school. Let me tell you guys, the look on my kids / students. Oh my. They complimented me so much and that actually made me happy so I have been using makeup twice this week.

So I am a bit hopeful about 2026. I’m working hard to become myself. The bubbly, happy, laughing, goofy Emma.

Thank you everyone for reading. 🤍 As you know, my head is all messed up now, so I apologize that I haven’t answered any comments yet. I will when my head allows me. Even writing this post takes energy. Plus I have been at an education presentation today, and I actually fell asleep for a few seconds, so today is a tired day for me.

Stress, Coffee and Performance

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

Today is a coffee day! Stress, chaos, brain disconnected and a proud moment.

Goodmorning my

beautiful souls 🩷

As you have read above, today / this morning havent been a good morning except watching my son preform in school (a tradition) now when it was Lucia last Saturday (13th December). He did so good! I had to cover my face though so I had like a burka (sorry! No disrespect!) so only my eyes was showing so I could watch him.

If he would have seen me, he would have run to me instead of being with the kids on the “stage” preforming. He did so good. Unfortunately we weren’t allowed to take pictures during the performance so this picture below is taken before it started.

Advent 🕯

When the performance was at the end, they put music on loud so everyone including the audience (the parents) could join and dance with everyone and that’s when it became too much for E. He started to cover his ears, cry and have a meltdown so I removed my jacket from my face so he saw me and I went over to him. He cried so much. I was praising E so much, telling him that he was so good and how proud me and his dad is.

We left instead of joining them for fika (a must in Sweden – cookies and beverages)  so E wouldn’t get all worked up and refusing to stay in school. So a few hugs and kisses and the teacher walked away with him.

Now to the chaos part

I AM SO CLUMPSY! To enter the school we need a passing card and I remembered i forgot mine at home in all stress that happened this morning to go in time so we wouldn’t miss E’s performance.

So M dropped me off at the bus, I went home again to get it, repacked my bag for school, and quickly changed outfits. I don’t want to go to school with a dress and toooooo much showing. I noticed that when I came home! Ohmygod! Fortunately I had covered my body so it wasn’t showing for anyone.

Now it’s a coffee morning!

Due to all the stress, chaos etc I felt it was time for ice coffee and luckily I have many in cans so I dumped two cans in my mug. I havent had these for a long time so I was hesitant first but after first sip it was like angels sang in my ears.

Coffee makes me tired so I can calm down a bit. ADHD and caffeine is a good combo if you wanna get tired and calm down.

Now I am on my way to school- I will be approximately 2h and 20minutes late. But hey, i notified my teacher last night that I will be late and I messaged her explaining what was going on so she told me to take it easy and no stress. That felt so good. But unfortunately I have missed a lot but what to do? Today it was about my son and unfortunately this happened.

I will blog later today—first school thought. Home and study, but I will fix it. I have wanted to blog so many times, but due to me being so tired and barely having anything happen, I didn’t, but now I’m going to get back again to the blogging. I will also answer your comments! I see you 🩷

Currently playing in my ears; Cher – Stronger

I mean, how fitting isn’t that? I have became obsessed with one song with Cher!

It is sooooo good!! I listen to it on repeat!

Failing and he is officially a big boy

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

Having time alone for yourself is a gift I wish I could have more often.

The first semester of this year and education is coming to an end. Finally. This semester has not been a good one for me (body crash down, migraines, tiredness, etc.), so I hope the next semester will be better and more on my side.

The teacher has made our schedule into two subjects for 11 weeks, and after those weeks, we have the rest of the subjects for another 11 weeks. This put a stress on me honestly. When I studied last year, the courses I had were on 10 weeks, and that gave me so much stress, so I told my teacher about this and that I might ask for an extension of the courses. I would rather do 5 courses in a whole semester than 11 weeks of two and 11 weeks of the rest.

keeping it real. My gray hair is waving hello to everyone.

My diet has failed miserably.  The 16:8 was no bueno for my diabetes, and I have noticed that I get hungry after, like, 3 or 4 hours after dinner, so I must eat—or else I can’t sleep for the night. 

The swimming as I planned for exercise is a flop. The swimming hall is not open when I have no school. The only time they have exercise swimming is two days a week between 6 and 8 am. Like, excuse me?? Who is up and ready at that time? Well, I’m up, but I am definitely not ready for anything at that time. 

So I have to look into something else. It’s truly a bummer because I had prepared myself mentally to actually get into the waters with people looking, etc. It’s scary.

Sadly I have gained weight, which is upsetting for me. Due to me not feeling well but having tried to eat good, etc.—the shit I eat that says it’s healthy is actually not! 

For example, I eat Turkish yogurt, natural with 91% whole grain cereals and a tablespoon of strawberry jam (I literally cannot eat all plain yogurt), and that is like 600+ calories! The jam is only 40 calories… but the rest!?!?!?!?!?! Now that is pissing me off, honestly.

I use an app (it’s a cute monster on it; therefore, I use it) called Yazio, and on that app I use the can/camera/scanning bar codes to check for calories, fat, protein, etc., and pretty much e v e r y t h i n g is a lot of calories and fat. So I honestly don’t know what to do. I think I’m going to contact a dietitian and ask for advice, etc. (even though I know what to eat and what to avoid) because for me, it doesn’t help with veggies (I eat a l o t of veggies) and barely helps me avoid as much fat and carbohydrates (or what it calls) as possible and add more protein supplements like turkey, chicken, etc. Yet I gain weight. I am very strict and firm with what I eat. I haven’t eaten candy for sooo long. Nor chips or popcorn (yes, I have quit eating popcorn). No cookies, cakes, etc. I have cut as much sugar out as possible (I can’t avoid sugar in food (not adding) that is in pretty much everything).

I’m going to figure something out... the question is only what...

I’m going to go to sleep now. My left eye is “burning” so much and has been doing that pretty much all day. I blink constantly, and it’s annoying.

Speaking of the first line in this post, note that I am a full-time student plus a full-time mom. So having moments by myself is golden hour for me. My time. My alone time. Which normally contains watching YouTube or playing a game I just found (last night), and it’s super addictive.  Only today the showing of the time I spent on my phone… 14 hours... 12 hours is the game. Now that’s insane! So I’m thinking of uninstalling the game due to my being glued to the phone for 12 hours straight! That’s awful! It’s insane how phones, social media, and games can take up so much of your time and how super addicted we are to all of it. It’s actually scary, to be honest.

Anyway, Im off to bed. Tomorrow plans; hospital – library (or something) to sit down and focus on studying. Disassemble my son’s bed so he can get his brand new bed. A big boy bed!

Goodnight.