Tag: depression

I need to stop with positivity

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment
Why is life so unfair?

Today I left school crying. Tears falling down my cheeks like Niagara Falls. I’m broken. Heartbroken. When finally something good happens in my life, its always something that will go wrong.

Seven months left. That is all. Seven months and I would be done with my education.  Unfortunately it ended today. Why? Because of the internship I was supposed to have in two weeks.

Let me take it from start;  I have been in contact with my supervisor ONCE (per email. One answer from her)  and I got the schedule for my times at the internship which I had to message back, explaining about E, his autism diagnosis,  school situation etc with him. I thought we would be able to work things out.. Like it has been done on all other places I have had internships at.

Then my teacher got an email in class so she came up to me and read it. They will not be able to adjust the schedule and said a lot more. This broke me. The teacher left the class after a short amount of time (well, pretty much instantly after she read the message) and I could feel how close my tears was..

So I packed my stuff and left. I went home. I called Michaela and cried!

Note that the supervisor has NOT messaged me anything about this.

I really wanted this. I really wanted to be able to work with special need children and later on study to become a preschool teacher.

But if I don’t have an internship at a preschool, I will automatically fail and therefore they will kick me out. I can’t continue.

So Sadly, my education ends today unless a freaking miracle happen.

So I think from now on, I need to stop with thinking positive about things, stuff, happenings etc. Because when ever something good happens to me, something will always knock me down and ruin things.

Anyway, rant over. I’m going to bed. Hopefully I can get some sleep. Due to all emotions, etc., today, I fell asleep when I came home, and I know that will mess up my sleep tonight, so let’s hope. Haha!

What kind of education is this!? I am so confused

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

Sometimes I wonder what kind of class I’m studying.. Sockpuppets??

We had a theme.. Animals and staff in preschool. Make sockpuppets to have a theater to solve conflicts.. I didn’t want to make an adult so I made a weird looking bat. To my defense,  the scissors to cut with was awful. If I had my tools that I had at home, it would be alot prettier. Lol. Now it looks.. I don’t know.. But it looks funny!

Sadly my teacher told me to do a sockpuppet you can use it to “talk”.. No. Those gives me creeps. Lol! Luckily, I can do what I want and no need to do anything else. Lol when it comes to crafting will mean.

Hi hello my beautiful souls! My life has been insanely dumb towards me there for I have been quiet. I actually made a recap post yesterday but didn’t post it due to me writing it on my way to school and I actually got “car sick” lol. Bus sick maybe is a better term. I will post it later though.

BUT HOW ARE YOU!? Suck a long time ago (January 22nd I think)

I apologize for my absence.  Long story short (longer in an other post) mental health, new medicine, stopped instantly with my old medicine with out “stepping out” on it and a lot more.

Here I am though! Not mentally stable yet but slowly working towards it! One step at the time!

What’s really going on?

Published on by ☆ Emma Santorini ☆Leave a comment

when you eat breakfast in Italy/you don’t feel beautiful anyway but honestly I can’t bear to care. If I could go show the pork (saying in Sweden “show the fat”) in Venezia (Venice) and go to the grocery store with a towel turban on my head after a shower, I don’t reallt care anymore what people think and feel.

How did I end up in that stage with my mental health again? Why did I end up here?

Everything came crashing down when the reality caught up with what I had managed to push away through all these years. Stress, exhaustion and constant fatigue. The memory that constantly fails me. Relationships among my near and dear ones are full of cracks.

Brain ghosts that constantly say negative things to me. Overthinking, fears of everything and everyone. Constantly seeking reassurance that people are not angry, irritated, disappointed etc in me and things like that.

Worry that I am taking my place on earth for someone else who deserves it more.

What happened? How do I get out of it? A lot has happened inside me in such a short time and although no one knows how much I struggle and fight with the demons in my head, all the tears I shed, all the thoughts about everything that constantly goes around in my head ~ How I really feel.

All feelings and thoughts are pushed aside when I am with my son and we play or cuddle. I enjoy the silence in my head incredibly much during that time but then it comes again when my son sleeps for the night. Some times worse than other times.


Italy was a much-needed escape from reality for a while. Despite the many steps I took a day, the strong rays of the sun and the heat, there were still thoughts about life in the back of my mind.

Many times I wondered “what should I do?” “How should I do it?” “Do I dare?” while walking around and taking pictures like a typical tourist. I never visited San Marco and all the typical tourist places, but I withdrew, I walked in dark alleys, tried to find the charm in them while wondering all the questions that I have no answers to.

Every day I argue with my brain at least a dozens of times. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

I have also noticed that I have distanced myself from people, preferring not to do anything. Just sit (preferably lie down). Scrolling on my phone, playing games on my phone or just wanting to sleep.


The passion for photography has disappeared again. Even though I struggle to keep the spark alive. What’s happening?

There was a little stronger spark when I was in Italy but because of the heat the cameras overheated so quickly that they just turned off, so they couldn’t be used during the trip. I managed to take a couple of occasional photos but haven’t checked them yet. So all the photos from Italy were taken with my mobile phone.. Which is a shame because of the quality so it also makes you blame yourself.

And then you come back to life and everything became so flat. so gray. bright flashes here and there come and go. the dark cloud that weighs me down has mixed weight. Sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter. The cloud has become lighter than it was when reality caught up with the explosion of all emotions, thoughts, etc.

Trying to explain to people How you really feel other than saying “I don’t feel well” is not easy. Explaining why you’re not feeling well, how, when it happened, etc. is not easy. At the same time trying to fix the pieces of the puzzle that have come loose from my puzzle inside me makes it harder. People say “one step at a time”. for me it is, one puzzle piece at a time.

I have been working with my mental health for a long time and I have come a long way in the process but still have a lot to do. I am not as “dead” as I was inside as i was before but I still am.

Chasing moments where you can laugh and feel good is constantly on my radar. I really want… I really want to get out of this. I really want to be the happy, bubbly, joking Emma who doesn’t let negativity take over my life again.

Sure, I laugh, I have moments when I am genuinely happy. Few but they are still there. I wish they could stay permanent but I know that is just a dream.


I am also starting school again soon (in two weeks) and I don’t feel the least bit excited even though it is a step closer to the education I want to do. Fear and anxiety are also coming into this. Just like when I did the nursing education. This time I will not study up on my grades but I will go on a completely different path in my professional life. Nurse assistant & Social pedagogue will be added by a childminder (is that the word? Child caregiver or something like that) with a specialization in children with disabilities and then on to a preschool teacher.


I am honestly, so grateful that I have the blog to write my thoughts and everything really. Sharing with me moments of joy and dark moments. Sharing with myself.


this is why i don’t do makeup anymore, posting constantly on instagram (or social media in general).. because i have no motivation, inspiration or even feel the urge to be online other than when i write in the blog from time to time.

It was a long post i know! I apologize for that but i feel like i need to give you all an explanation as to why i’m away so much and not that active on instagram/ facebook/ snap etc.

Spring Mood and mental health.

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How are you guys? Happy Easter! I know I’m late but we still celebrate Easter in Sweden. Well we don’t celebrate it but many swedes do. Honestly I don’t know how to celebrate Easter except go out and “trick or treat” as you do on Halloween but instead saying “trick or treat” you say “Happy Easter” and receive candy or money. Weird for me and no I’m not taking my son out doing that.

Anyway, let’s continue.

It is official.. Spring is here in Sweden!! The other day as I walked to the bus from school, a little small ladybug flew and sat on my shirt. I noticed it when I was standing at the busstop.

one little bug can make a person happy. It’s officially spring and summer is on its way!  So hard to believe it though. Long cold, freezing cold winter is finally over for this time.

I cant wait to the sun, warmth, being able to sunbathing, go for long long walks again. Such a motivation.

I also feel that my mental health is getting a bit better. It is still there but a lot better. Working hard towards recovery is a long way but I have managed to move a few steps forward which makes me so happy. Having bad days is normal though for people and I still have them but I think I’m out of the deepest funk that I have been in. Woho.

Goals for the Spring season; Get better mentally • try lose some weight • work hard in school even though I know im gonna fail this semester but atleast I’m trying • try to become the Emma I use to be ●● oh, start planning for the vacation! So much to plan when traveling with an autistic child.

Do you have any plans for the Spring season?